Monday…oh Monday.

It’s Monday. Another Monday. Mondays suck. It’s the beginning of a long week. You have to grind in. So much to do. It makes me exhausted. The depression makes it worse. Put on a happy face!!! Thanks, no thanks! I need to get happy. I can’t figure out how. All I want to do is sit in my bed and watch stupid reality shows all day long.

No business wants me. Me….with the two degrees. The relevant experience to back it up and no one wants me. I don’t get it. I tell them I will do anything to make sure they understand I am willing to learn everything.

Nope. It’s so frustrating and really tough to swallow. You would think you were a shoe-in for a job. At least entry-level. Nope. All people look at is degrees and the experience in the field. I have the experience in related fields. I hate even talking about it. It brings me to the point of tears because someone thinks I am not good enough to make their company succeed.

 

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The Depression has set in again.

So earlier this week I was supposed to get a call about getting this amazing job. on Wednesday the agency I worked with emailed me and said that the company really wanted to interview more people because they had only interviewed two. It would take another two weeks to figure out who they wanted to hire.

WTF? Come on. It’s like I knew this was going to happen to me. Nothing good ever happens. I am a true pessimist. Because so many bad things have happened to me in my life I don’t think anything good happens. I pray, I am somewhat a decent person. I keep to myself. I take my medication so I don’t freak out.

I really just want to go back to bed. My SO thinks this is an excuse for me to get out of things. No. It’s me being sad and feeling completely sorry for myself. I have two degrees that I earned and I have nothing to show for it other than a lot of debt. Yup I’m gonna crawl up into a ball and not talk and watch tv and eat. I don’t care. I wish he’d get it. To keep having to explain it is such a pain in the ass. And the fact that he gets all pissy about it makes it worse. Maybe I should slip him a pill so he gets it. Ugh. I’m going back to bed.

That guily feeling when…

So I was on a mission this morning for my SO because he wanted a specific figure we collect and it was on hold for him. After I dropped him off at that dreaded place called work I headed out to get it. I got it no problem and walked down to the place that does acrylic nails to see how much a set was. My nails were so damn jacked up it looked like a friggin alligator took a hold of them. No joke.

It was the price that was completely reasonable for the service so I went ahead. The lady did great, they weren’t talking shit in Vietnamese like most places do. I was in and out of there in less than 45 minutes. They are super quick and efficient.

And then the urge hit. I had a coupon and I needed to check it out. I am hoping upon hope that I get a call on Monday that I got the job. The owner really really liked me. But, I needed to be prepared if I get that call. I have absolutely no professional type shoes what so ever. And what I do have, is big. I just measured my foot. It went down a size. How that happens, is mind boggling. I just wanted to be prepared. But, as soon as I bought them I felt so damn guilty. I know I really don’t have extra money to buy shoes. I mean I got one hell of a deal. 4 pairs of shoes for 30 bucks (including the tax!). All shoes were on clearance and I had a coupon for an additional 30% off.

But I feel like that money is better spent on something else. Like I don’t deserve it. I am almost positive that my SO is going to be super pissed. In fact I am almost thinking about taking them back tomorrow. Just because of how bad I feel. How do I get rid of that feeling and allow myself the resources to have a little bit of fun?

Help! I’m a mom that needs some serious shoe and wardrobe help!

The art of unplugging…

About a week ago, I decided to unplug from Facebook. For a few reasons, but basically to see how many friends saw I just disappeared. That and I was so tired of the stupid political bull shit that has been going on since November. I was so over it. People were being assholes, no one was caring about others opinions, and then others would answer someone else that wasn’t family and then would never comment on my page or his page. Sounds petty, I get it. But, it is so hurtful.

So, want to know how many people figured out I left FB? 1. Just 1. Not that I have a huge list of friends, but I have about 250 or so. Just 1. He noticed the next morning. He thought I was mad at him and blocked him. I explained at what I had done and he understood. Guess how long it took my SO? Almost a week. He never saw. He said, hey I tagged you in something. I said, uh yeah you didn’t, I deactivated my page. The first question I would have asked was why and is everything OK? His question? Are you going to come back?

If it took my SO that long to figure it out and we LIVE together. My friends SUCK. This tells me how much they know me, chat with me, or bother ever ask how I am. I feel beyond left out and it’s like I knew this was coming. It’s like God says to me, You can have a great education but everything else in your life is going to be a total shit storm.

I don’t know what to do. I need help. I need to clear my mind. I need a way to be OK with being friendless. Any ideas?

The Day from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

So this blog will jump all over the place so bear with me. Things might happen and I need to get them off my chest.

Yesterday was pretty normal for the most part. Except for a few things. I have been looking forward to getting my tax refund back. It’s been delayed because the stupid government thinks it’s funny to do that to relatively poor people. But, anyway I found out that they took it all. ALL OF IT. Thanks to him. It was like kicking me in the teeth. It was an instant drop to the floor and cry for hours. What does he do? “You should have filed by yourself.” He then goes about his business playing on the PC and eating his breakfast. Who does that? WHO?

I suffer from MDD. Or for those that don’t know it is Major Depressive Disorder. I also suffer from severe anxiety. Something like that kind of news will tear me up inside and literally makes me a limp noodle. And that is how my day started.

But wait folks, there is more! I can’t leave you with just that! HA HA (sarcasm)

Talked to my BFF. I miss him. He’s so far away. It’s so damn depressing that he moved away. Since he has I literally have no one to talk to. No girls to vent to. None of them care. They are busy with their own lives. Who cares about me? Not anyone. Well I take that back. My mom does. However, she has enough issues and frankly I don’t want to talk to her about that. I want to talk to someone my age. I want to go out and have dinner with the girls and have a great time.

Anyway, the last fun thing happened (I am using dripping sarcasm again). You will find I use it liberally like butter or salt. Some pitbull came into our yard. No collar, no ID. My dogs, see this dog. Get really irritated. All of them at the door and they all hit it *the door* at the same time and they all took off. I was so pissed. Trying to get 3 dogs back home away from a pit with one leash was the biggest pain in the ass ever. I am pretty sure I had an asthma attack. My lungs were wheezing hardcore. While breathing I heard whistling. It took awhile to calm down. A chill day turned into a day from hell.

Can I catch a break?

The Beginning

It was back in 2005, I was chatting online with a fellow friend of a hobby we both liked. He was younger, more irritating saying one thing was the best. When he had never been anywhere but the state in which he lived. He pissed me off so bad that I wouldn’t talk to him for months. He would just pop back online and chat like nothing ever happened. It would aggravate me to no end.

We would chat for years before we ever met. I never thought of him but a pest. He finally agreed to meet all of our group of friends at an event and when he got he was proven wrong about his best ideas. He had found the best in a small rural area no where close to where he predicted.

I had the greatest time that weekend. We had twenty of us hanging around, joking, laughing and having the best time. That weekend would forever change our lives.

This blog will be about my life. My rants, my opinions. I have a lot of things to say and get out of my head and this is hopefully the place to do that. I’d love the feedback and suggestions.

There maybe be daily blogs, or more than once a day. I just may surprise you. You never know. Thanks for reading.